So we're talking about the last TikTok post, which was don't be a stay at home mom. I think that's what I said.   Emily, you said I got a lot of traction for lack of a better word. And we figured we'd touch base on what I said and some of the comments we got.  In some, I said, even if you do not have to work, I would always recommend, generally, it's women that you never stay home, never be a stay at home parent. And here's why. It's not that I'm saying don't take care of your kids. What I'm saying is don't lose you. And let's just say , you come from millions and billions of dollars or what have you. That's great. Still find something that makes you out of the home.

 Go volunteer, go to the SPCA and volunteer five hours a week. Not only is it going to give you purpose, but it's going to give you connections that you don't otherwise have. And  nothing is guaranteed in life, including you're in this hypothetical easy living. So I say that because most of us don't come from millions and billions of dollars.

And a lot of us are probably lucky enough that we might be able to stay home if we chose to. But why don't I suggest it? Because I see. People all the time who have come in and given up their careers and all of a sudden their whole world has crashed and they have to start over and when you're starting over at 45, it's a whole lot different than when you're 23, 24, 25 and in those years you haven't contributed to retirement, you haven't built your reputation, you haven't built your skill set and even if you're doing it for a small period of time,  you're always better off when you are able to take care of yourself.

People often in support will say,  in this hypothetical, this woman doesn't have a job and husband makes a lot of money. Well, why should I get a job? And I'll show her in the calculations that you're going to get slightly less of his money, but you're going to get all of yours. So it's always a net positive when you work, no matter what.

So that's kind of the gist of it.  I think a lot of people think that nothing's going to happen to them. I'm never going to get a divorce. I'm never going to need this. , it goes all the way down to I'm never going to  have to worry about pregnancy for my teenage child or what have you.

Anything can happen to you. So back to stay in the workforce, even if it's for. A couple days a week. It'll be better off in the long run. And then I know the comments were mostly positive, but then some not so much. So what was the one comment we were going to talk about? Who hurt you, ma'am? 

Who hurt me? Okay, no one. , by that I mean, everybody has shit, right? , my mom was a single mom and by single mom, I mean, single mom until I was 14 when she got remarried my mom didn't have a college education. She was a stay at home mom.

My biological father had a lot of substance abuse issues. And so she had a rebuild fortunately for her. She was 31 and was able to get on her feet, but I remember her being on the phone and. Begging the power company not to turn the power off because she  hadn't paid it obviously and she had three kids and my biological father was nowhere to be found.

So yeah, was there shit in there? Of course, but you know what I learned? She got on her feet and took care of it. She got her college degree,  1983 is when she started because that's when I was four, and she graduated 1998  it was the end of my freshman year. So she took 15 years to get a college degree while raising three kids.

She climbed the corporate ladder.  She ended up being like the head of HR for a big company. Obviously things would have been a little bit easier had she had stayed in the workforce and had that education. Now she was born in the 50s, so it was a different time. I remember when I had kids, I think it was the Twins in particular.

I stayed home more often than not. I think I worked about three mornings a week and we moved into a house that had a kitchen island  I said to Steve well, we need barstools. And Steve said,  we can't afford barstools. And I was like, the fuck I can't afford barstools.

 I'm not okay with that.  I was like, I'm a lawyer. I can do this. My kids, that point where like. Two ish, I think, and, , while I worked, my build up to working full, full time, and by that I mean more than 40 hours a week, was gradual, but I was really fortunate that I had kept my foot in the door, got myself back working.

And look, it's not easy, but it was totally worth it. And now my kids, who are now turning 16 for the twins and 13 this year,  they see that, , both parents contribute to the household. They see me working later hours probably than Steve does, not that he doesn't work at night, but they see me out later.

They also see him folding the laundry and making the dinner and doing things that were Used to be known as the woman's job. So I think it's good for them to see the tag team and the balance And one of the comments you read is that a woman said  she agreed with me and she's happily married Well, whoever asked you hurt me.

I'm happily married. It's not about him it's about seeing what I see and knowing especially with our current environment of Changes and misogyny out there women need to still make sure that they are independent and do not need to rely on anybody because the only person you can rely on and the only person you control is you.

So that was kind of why I had said that and then I'm glad to hear most people were supportive of it. What other comments were there? One of the questions that came up a couple times was how does social security work when you get divorced if you are a stay at home mom?

 That's actually something I bring up. More often than not, and I know a lot of people have said they never heard it from a family law attorney before. So here's how this works. And again, I'm not a social security expert, so, , this is what I understand to be and what I've seen, but you can contact social security.

 If you're married for more than 10 years, then you can elect against your, so you're. So, if you're asking me to do a video on the topic of In that situation, or under your own, you would get 1, 000 a month. Obviously, you should go and get 2, 000 as opposed to 4, 000. And it doesn't affect the other person.

So your ex husband in this situation would never know that you elected to take from his Social Security contributions. Doesn't affect his, but it is your right after 10 years of marriage.  is date of marriage to date of divorce.  If you get separated after year eight and you don't get divorced after your 10, that's how that works.

Keep in mind, though, that social security contributions are maxed out at a certain number. So I think last year maybe it was 168, 000. So in other words, you're not taxed beyond that number.  Even if your spouse makes 600, 000 a year, they're not contributing to social security based on 600, 000, they're contributing based on 168, 000.

But that is a benefit that you do have and there are some rules about remarriage and I, I did know that on another podcast and I can dig out my notes, but I don't remember that to be honest right now. All that to be said is that you do have the ability to elect against your spouse period. It doesn't have to be your ex spouse.

It can be against your spouse. The other comment that came up a few times that I thought was An interesting concept was doing a postnup if you decide together for the woman to stay home.

I think we talked on one of the podcasts about a man who wanted to pay his wife to stay home. And we talked about how that was just joint money anyway. But the concept of the postnup came up maybe to give the woman her own money while she stays home. So can you talk a little bit about how that works?

That's a great idea. I think the way that I would see it working out is that you enter into an agreement post nup, post marriage, and it would, you know, it could go any different way. You could do for  the time that she's home, I don't know, , how much money people have in this situation, but for each year, maybe you do a retirement max, 

and then maybe you say, okay, every year I will contribute 30, 000 to a retirement plan. But that's hers free and clear. In other words, title doesn't matter when you're dividing assets in Pennsylvania. If it's acquired during the marriage is marital, unless you have this. It's different. So if people say, well, my retirement's in my name, it doesn't matter.

It's a retirement in your name, but it's still a marital asset. So you could do a bank account, you could do a money market, you could do a Roth IRA, you could do a whole bunch of things to contribute. But the important part,  it's not about what you put the money in. It's that it's clear that that money is that person who stayed home free and clear. 

In the event of a divorce, and then you can go as far as how you're going to divide the assets.  Maybe in 18 years, if you stay home for 18 years, if a divorce happens in those 18 years, maybe it's 60 40 to the person who stayed home as opposed to usually post nups if they're going to go down the Full rabbit hole of how you're going to divide things.

Usually people agree to a 50 50 in that situation. And you can agree to alimony. So a post snap could be in place for a hundred different reasons. Dividing assets, alimony payments to an account to. Offset someone's time at home and even further. Okay. Well, let's just say kids go to school and I do see this a lot.

Kids leave the nest and  the parents are like, Oh, now we're stuck with each other. And the divorce happens. Well, maybe you get more alimony for a period of time if you had given up your career. So there's 100 different ways to do it,  it's a really good idea that if you're going to stay home and you're worried about  that piece of it, that you have some carve out that, You get consideration for what you've given up. 

Sometimes people do it when they're  going through tough times just to say, okay, well, if things continue, we don't want this to become nasty and let's get ahead of it and  say how we want to divide things now when we're not angry and all of those things.

 I think they're a good idea if you have certain things to protect. And people say, well, we won't get divorced. Well, guess who says that? Everybody who gets married says he won't get divorced. So, it could be you. So, that's, that's what a postnup would do. 

 It could also go in a prenup. So, it doesn't even have to be postnup. You could say, if you're getting married and the person says, And actually my high school boyfriend, I remember this, I can tell you almost where we were driving in his BMW and he was a year older, he got his fancy car because he went to school for free.

So his parents said, well, we'll give you a fancy car. Anyway, I remember him saying, and he didn't say it like this, but basically it was, the implication to me was that he wanted his.  Spouse to be home and not barefoot and pregnant, but that's kind of what I heard and I remember being like, hell no.

Right? And he's wonderful. I'm still friendly with him and he's fantastic. And I don't think he meant it in a misogynistic way. But when you're 16, 17 and dumb, you hear things in any event. Had I had I married him and I had thought, well, if he wants me to stay home, maybe I do a prenup that says if I do stay home, this is what it looks like.

Because some people do have those discussions. 16, 17 year old discussions don't count more often than not, but the real ones  cause it is good to talk about finances and kids and things before marriage. And if you're finding a difference of opinion, such as whether or not you're going to  have a stay at home parent or not, you, maybe you put that in a prenup.

So that you're protected. Advocating for yourself is never a bad thing. Pre nups and post nups get a bad rap because they think you're setting yourself up for divorce.  If you end up not getting divorced, it's still  both your money. So  if you're that confident in them staying home and you're that confident in your marriage, it shouldn't really make a difference. It's just putting it in another type of account.  Generally, they're not meant to protect one side. It's not a one sided document. It's a document that protects both sides. So,  if somebody comes in and says a post nup or pre nup  implies that someone's benefiting.

Well, maybe somebody is, but it's also protecting the other person. Because you know what else? It avoids a shit ton of legal fees. And I can tell you people, I wouldn't want to pay my own attorney's fees. I wouldn't want to pay for me. I get it. But you know, that can cut down on attorney's fees and that's always better.

And it goes then down to the trickle effect where, , if your divorce is amicable, that might be the wrong word, but you get what I'm saying. That trickles to your kids and your kids. Have more peace and and more money.  Do you wanna divide everything by two or do you wanna divide it by four?

Meaning the parties and the lawyers. So  . I was telling Emily about my trolls. Yeah, I have lots of trolls, lots of people I'm sure  , I know I've been reported to the disciplinary board by people who don't like me.

By that, I mean a lot of litigants who think. I'm the cause of their life woes I'm not by the way  it's kind of comical on our end, meaning the people who in this field, but yeah, there's been a lot of trolls and it's always, there's always a new one and once one quiets down, another one pops up.

But It's  part of the job. It actually generally helps me in court because the person who looks crazy is not me. It's the person who's being the troll. , troll if you want, but it's not bothering me. It's not bothering any of the family law attorneys who've been doing this more than five minutes.

Because. We've heard it. We've seen it. I remember there's one hearing officer who's retired. There was a whole website saying like maybe it was not just for him But he was a he was a woman hater or he was a man hater or whatever. It's like, oh my god No, they're not.

They're all good. Nice normal people who want to do their best as our 99. 9 percent of the lawyers  So yeah,  thanks for the laugh. I guess all you trolls. It's good giggle. I appreciate it I'll toast to that at this happy hour tonight. You're tougher than that. Alright, give a quick, I know you have to go.

We're still working on the initial consult , the idea is that some of these questions you can ask for free. Cause my goal is always to help people navigate this better.

And it's an expensive process. And while I can't do my job for free, I can give back so people can hear what things they need to hear for themselves and maybe for the help of other people. Apply for the initial consult .  com and then. , fill out the form, and then Emily will look at them.

And then once I have the waivers, I'll worry about anything else that we have to do.  It is anonymous. The waivers are because , contrary to some of the trolls, I really do honor and prioritize the roles of professional responsibility. And we have to make sure that it's not a conflict. In other words, I'm not talking to someone who I represent on the other side or I have, or what have you.

So yes,  work in progress, but thanks.